Hi friends! So glad you are here to discuss our June book “Nice.” I was honestly shocked at what I was reading. I’m someone who always valued niceness, in myself and others, so it was a little unnerving to discover what an idol it was and what bad fruit it had produced. I’ve felt this disconnect in my faith and my life for quite awhile now and this book really helped put the pieces together for me. My faith has not been sturdy and I’m beginning to see why.
As Sharon pointed out, niceness is a false virtue. As long as I’m nice, as long as I mean well and don’t step on anyone’s toes I’m being a good Christian. But that’s not what it’s about. I’ve always thought the best choice was to ‘choose nice’ but Sharon really turned that thought on its head for me. It’s really got me thinking about alternative choices that are actually better, like choosing kindness, boldness, authenticity, courage, and love. It’s helped me to take a hard look at the bad fruit in my life and I so appreciated the ways she suggested to cultivate a better tree.
Were you as challenged as I was? What are your thoughts on “Nice”? I can’t wait to hear them!
Discussion Questions:
*What are some ways you have used niceness to your benefit?
*Which of the forms of “falseness” are you most tempted toward: false kindness, false joy, or false belonging?
*How would you describe your authentic self? Why is authenticity important and how does niceness hinder it?
*How do you see niceness in others? Do you automatically suspect people are genuinely nice? Does it skew your perspective of others? How might niceness in others actually keep us from seeing from the truth?
*How does courage get left behind when niceness is our main goal? Where might God be calling you to be courageous?
*How is Jesus an example we should follow when it comes to not giving into cynicism?
*Do you feel that your outward actions of obedience were an accurate reflection of your heart? In other words, does doing all the “right” things make you believe your heart is right before God? How can this lead to a self-righteous attitude?
*What things are you tempted to sentimentalize? Do you feel that you view the gospel in a sentimental way? Why might that be hurting your faith rather than helping it?
*As we read about cultivating a better tree and the necessity of pruning, where might you need to make changes? Do you think these changes are a matter of pruning or of cultivating a new tree?
*What tempts you from abiding in Christ?
*How does worship help us keep our focus on Christ? How is Paul an example of worship and abiding in Christ?
*Do you have any fears about your influence? In what ways do you hope to influence others? How can obedience to minister and influence others turn into an idolization of influence?
*What is your attitude towards pain and suffering? Do you tend to avoid it, accept it, or fear it? How can we cultivate an attitude of steadfastness during pain and suffering?
*Are there any bad fruits of niceness that were especially convicting? Which of the qualities discussed in the book, do you feel inspired to cultivate in your life?
Scripture of the Month
James 1:2-3
John 15:4
Romans 5:3-5
Prayer
Father God, we thank You for the hard truth in this book. So many of us are caught up in living nice. We might not even grasp how to live without pursuing niceness. Help us to face the bad fruit in our lives and to know that there is hope in You to cultivate a better tree and produce good fruit. Help us to abide in You and do all things out of obedience to You. Would You help us to put legalism aside and to be courageous in how we live out our faith? We knew there is more and there is better to be had. We don’t want shallow faith or simply a sentimental one; but it’s hard to live a life that follows steadfastly and obediently after You. There is suffering and hardship and I know our flesh rebels against accepting that. We thank You for the example of Paul and for the spiritual disciplines that can help us. Thank You for loving us unconditionally and for never leaving us alone. You are always with us and we thank You so much for Your presence and for the Holy Spirit helping us and empowering us. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
For Next Month
*Click HERE for all the details for July!
I always viewed being kind and being nice as the same thing. After reading this book, however, I realize how different they are. While niceness hints at kindness, it often is a cowardly attempt to appease…or so it’s been with me at least.
It’s definitely true, as the author states, that being nice has its benefits. For me, I’d always thought I was doing the “good” thing by being nice and putting others above myself like I was told I should be doing. But upon closer review, I now recognize the reason behind much of my doing this, or more importantly, my continuing to do this: to receive acceptance, approval, and applause (no, I haven’t gotten a literal standing ovation, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I have imagined one or two happening! 😮) The “good” I was supposed to be doing allowed me to be easily liked, praised, and received into one’s good standing if that makes sense. No one had to worry about me: I was doing what I should be doing.
I’ve mentioned before that I wasn’t the type growing up that wanted to dabble in drama, relished in taking risks, or pushed the envelope. That being said, I realize now how much pressure I placed on myself to keep that image up once I saw what it was getting me. It has become quite apparent now that I have an image management complex. In its basic form, this is being a people-pleaser. I have a hard time expressing my opinions or wants/needs to others for fear of being perceived as selfish, indulgent, or controlling. Ironically, I am, in fact, being those things in an attempt to not have people think I am. 🙃
What’s even more ironic is that I value honesty and transparency and believe I am both of those things in so many areas of my life. The kind aspect of niceness allows me to be sympathetic and empathetic with people, and I have no problem expressing how I feel about certain situations (whether it’s me experiencing them or others).
But being nice has caused me to hide and be inauthentic in many situations – or maybe it’s the other way around. It’s hard to tell. Maybe I’m afraid of the ugly truth that I don’t measure up to the standards I’m supposed to be adhering to. Maybe I’m disappointed my standards aren’t the ones to be followed after all. Or maybe I resent the fact that just because I’m doing all the right things doesn’t mean my heart is necessarily right (and I thought I could “fake it til I finally made it!”) and all those right things don’t actually count for anything because (again) it’s not my standards that things are being measured against.
Discouraged or overwhelmed yet? 🫣
Here’s an aha moment I just had: I have equated niceness with obedience.
And because of that, numerous times I have been quiet, put a smile on my face, and believed, by being nice, I was doing the right, obedient thing.
Being nice has often stifled my ability to be real. And thus, it’s often stopped me short of genuinely loving, helping, and caring for others all because I wanted them to see me as “nice” and “good.”
At the heart of the matter lies the truth that I am insecure, that I believe I don’t have value or worth unless I’ve gained others’ approval. It means I have a hard time trusting God that He is always good and His standard is right and to be followed.
I’m glad that while I can sometimes hide my true feelings or thoughts from others, God always knows them…even if I’d rather He didn’t know. I’m glad that He can handle my complex self and doesn’t push me away. I’m glad He can sit with me and allow me to feel and think and be. And I’m glad He keeps showing up for me: being loving, being kind, being patient, and pruning the areas of my life so what I say and do can truly reflect my heart.